CLOTHES IN REAL LIFE,

A Memoir
and
Level-Headed Guide to Dress
by Nick Hilton

Part I: 

Jeans Today

I can’t think of anything that has evolved to such an extent without looking much different. The tricky part is knowing what makes the difference. Like wine, all jeans kind of look the same; but the more exposed and educated you become the more skill you’ll have in differentiating one from another. With jeans you have to know about fabric and fit to appreciate the differences between Army-Navy dungarees and what they call Premium Denim. But it is just this difference that gives a good jean its Level 2 designation, and leaves the old miners’ pants back in the Level 1 hamper.

            Workmen’s pants are made of heavy, strong, and rigid cloth because they are designed to simply to cover the body, to provide protection in a work environment, and to last forever. They are blue because Levi Strauss, who invented them, favored indigo dye, which is strange because it is very caustic and not color fast. Anyhow, as a result of being made of dense and inflexible material they have a baggy seat – the kind of seat that, above which, you might see a particular type of cleavage. Old fashioned dungarees are designed to have no discernable fit whatsoever.

            Premium Denims are made of technologically sophisticated cloth, spun, woven and dyed to be made into pants that fit in a way that conventional trousers never can. And “can” is the operative word. They should hug your butt as much as possible without feeling tight or looking stupid up front and they should give a longer, leaner look to your legs and lower body. Some guys try to tout “Premium Denim for Man-Sized Men” but it’s almost an oxymoron if you’re out of proportion. Sorry to say, jeans can be a Level 2 or even a Level 3 thing, but not for every body. Better jeans may stretch a little, and they will certainly have been washed before you buy them to achieve a soft, lived-in feel. In fact, the wash technique and the resulting color and drape of the legs is the lion’s share of why they cost so much more.

You’ll see really expensive jeans in stores with holes “worn” into them by dollar-a-day laborers with forks and files and stuff. If you want to pay extra for that, I have a bridge we should discuss. Washing them repeatedly so they’re softer before you wear them is one thing, but trying to look like you wore these jeans to Woodstock is just a fake-out.

FYI     “Jean” is the name of a cloth for making sturdy, durable pants, derived from the old English, “jene fustian,” a name for a heavy cotton twill typical of Genoa, Italy (jean-o-a, get it?). And in case that’s not enough information, denim is a modern-day corruption of the French “de Nîmes,” the name they gave to the same fabric the Genoese thought they’d invented. Coke and Pepsi all over again.